Like any good Jew I have my doctors on speed dial.  (Or in Iphone speak, “favorites.”)  That’s why yesterday as I was driving away from my favorite salad place with a salad in my lap taking bites as I drive and I felt a pain in my bite, I knew that Dr. Gandin was only a phone call away.  

I’m on the phone with Laurie, his secretary, describing my tooth pain in detail when all of a sudden I notice a police officer on his motorcycle flashing his lights, no siren.

 ”Laurie, I think I’m getting pulled over.  I’ll call you back.”  

I find a spot to pull over, quickly going through the list in my head “My plates are on (took me a while since it was a new car), my stickers are up to date ( I had lost the ones they sent in the mail with the new plates and had to get them replaced, ugh), I wasn’t speeding, I was using a handsfree device… What could it be?  Is eating illegal? Could he even see the groovy avocado salad in my lap?

He approaches.

ME: “Was I doing something wrong, officer?”

OFFICER: “Did you not see the pedestrian in the crosswalk?”

ME: “No, I really didn’t.”

OFFICER: “Well there was a pedestrian in the crosswalk and the car behind you didn’t go so they saw him.”

ME: “Maybe I didn’t notice because I have a terrible tooth ache and was on the phone with my dentist.”

Is that a smile I see cracking?  Yup, he smiles and turns his head.  I swear I thought he was going to give me a warning.

OFFICER: “License and registration please.”

Ugh.  I give it to him.  He goes back to his motorcycle and I see him pull out the dreaded ticket pad.  You know the ones where they don’t tell you how much the ticket is going to be, but instead MAIL you the fee because they don’t want you to go balistic on a cop when he tells you it’s going to be $300 plus traffic school. (I’m guessing on the $300, it’s probably gonna be more…)

As he’s writing the ticket I realize that my license has my old address on it.  I have a supplemental card with my new address that goes with my license, but how do I tell him that?  I’ve watched enough Unsolved Mysteries, America’s Most Wanted, Dateline, 48 Hours, etc. etc. to know you do NOT get out of the car unless instructed to when pulled over.  

So I sit and wait as empathetic and nervous drivers slowly go by me.  He returns. 

ME: “Are you reeeeally gonna give me a ticket?”

He’s laughing now. 

OFFICER: “Yes, unfortunately I have to.  But let me tell you why.  In the last month two people have been hit there so they put me on that post because of that very reason.”

ME: “But I drive like a grandma.”

OFFICER: “Except in crosswalks.”

Should we go on the Road?

And then I see it.  I don’t know how I missed it before.  The sun hit it in almost a g-dly type way… his name tag.  COHEN.  I’m in. 

ME: “Come on Cohen!”

He’s hysterical.

OFFICER: “You’re killing me.”  Hands me the ticket to sign. 

ME: “Oh I forgot to give you this.” I hand him the card with my new address.

OFFICER: “Why didn’t you tell me?”  

I told him I knew better than to get out of the car. 

OFFICER: “You coulda yelled.”

ME: ” “What was I gonna say?  Hey You!!”

OFFICER: “Yes! Why not?”

He’s not relenting.  I have to sign.

ME: “Can I draw and unhappy face?  I’m gonna have to go to traffic school aren’t I?”

I notice his wedding ring. 

OFFICER: “Yeah, but do it online.  I did it online before I was a cop like thirteen years ago.  It’s not that bad.”

Is he insinuating one doesn’t have to go when you are a cop?  Interesting…

ME: “They are SO bad.  I even did the comedy one a couple of years ago and it was terrible.”

OFFICER: “I’m sorry.”

I think he really is. I finally sign.  And slowly take the ticket… 

ME: “Alright, alright.”

He didn’t say a word about the salad. 

OFFICER: “You have a good day.  And good luck with the tooth.”

He has a cute smile, but too short for me. 

ME: “Thanks. You too.”