My sister, a nice Jewish girl (who has some of the stuff, but really is not materialistic, so don’t call her a JAP), is engaged to a nice Jewish guy. They recently got an e-mail from the cantor who is going to marry them, asking to meet soon to discuss the marriage, give some counseling and get to know them as a couple before the wedding. The cantor proposed 3 dates: Tuesday midday, Wednesday midday or Friday before services. Obviously, she can’t go on Friday, because then she’d be stuck going to services. She’s taking off of work next Tuesday. BAD JEW!
The truth is services suck. I don’t care if you have a new hip Rabbi or your cantor is so young and has an amazing voice. Services suck. That said, one of the greatest parts of being Jewish is gaming the system. Go to the bathroom just before the sermon on the High Holidays. (You’re uncle is wrong. It wasn’t interesting. It just rambled on and on and on. Ben Stiller in Keeping the Faith doesn’t exist!)
Good Jews are boring. They’re the girls in cardigans with crunchy curly hair gelled to the max who will eventually wear a tallis just because and the guys with over-sized polo shirts sloppily tucked into too big pleated khakis that stay up thanks to a too small braided belt, which look is topped off by a personalized puff painted leather yarmulke. Bad Jews, on the other hand, dress well and go out for brunch after services. And, brunch rocks!
So, let’s end this entry with a bit of advice: be a bad Jew and start to love being Jewish.