My sister, a nice Jewish girl (who has some of the stuff, but really is not materialistic, so don’t call her a JAP), is engaged to a nice Jewish guy.  They recently got an e-mail from the cantor who is going to marry them, asking to meet soon to discuss the marriage, give some counseling and get to know them as a couple before the wedding.  The cantor proposed 3 dates: Tuesday midday, Wednesday midday or Friday before services.  Obviously, she can’t go on Friday, because then she’d be stuck going to services.  She’s taking off of work next Tuesday.  BAD JEW!

The truth is services suck.  I don’t care if you have a new hip Rabbi or your cantor is so young and has an amazing voice.  Services suck.  That said, one of the greatest parts of being Jewish is gaming the system.  Go to the bathroom just before the sermon on the High Holidays.  (You’re uncle is wrong.  It wasn’t interesting.  It just rambled on and on and on.  Ben Stiller in Keeping the Faith doesn’t exist!)

Good Jews are boring.  They’re the girls in cardigans with crunchy curly hair gelled to the max who will eventually wear a tallis just because and the guys with over-sized polo shirts sloppily tucked into too big pleated khakis that stay up thanks to a too small braided belt, which look is topped off by a personalized puff painted leather yarmulke.  Bad Jews, on the other hand, dress well and go out for brunch after services.  And, brunch rocks!

So, let’s end this entry with a bit of advice: be a bad Jew and start to love being Jewish.

If you’re Jewish, the phrase much nachas is something you are most probably familiar with.  (See our Rosh Hashanah Happy New Year post.)  For my goy, nachas is the Yiddish word meaning blessings or joy said in times of joy and sadness.  At a funeral perhaps May you have much Nachas from here on out. At a wedding Continued Nachas. It goes on and on.  One might think that wishing this upon people in times of good and bad is a sign of the optimism of our people.  I’d argue the opposite.  If we are not in the worst situation, we are expecting the worst to come.  But the good news?  We’re always hoping for the best.

“I had an incredibly pleasant childhood. I have a great relationship with my parents. But when something bad happens to me, I’m not somebody who thinks, ‘What the hell? This isn’t fair!’  I’m more like, Yep, that seems about right.’” - Jewish Actor Seth Rogen

This inherent cynicism is widespread among Jews.  Probably not something you’d think I would “love about being Jewish,” but indeed it is.  Because this is where the money is.  This is where the funny is.  This is what my people have thrived and survived on for generations.  We are prepared.

So when things are tough, and you think that they can’t be better (and if you’re Jewish, you will think they cannot get better), the good news is that you are on the ready.  We knew it was bound to happen, so nobody’s shocked, and we are always praying for much nacahs to come.  Although, it probably wont last long.

I just flew east (and by “east” I mean SOUTHeast) to Flordia to celebrate my grandfather’s 80th birthday. It was a joyful weekend of family time, tennis and reading. The big event — his birthday party — was at Matteo’s in Boca Raton. Walking to Matteo’s back room, I was reminded of one of our world’s not hidden (but sometimes forgotten) treasures: the women of Boca Raton, Florida. Here’s a look:

Their skin: too tanned and way too stretched.
 
Their makeup: shades of blue. (Think: Kim Kardashian dressed up on Halloween as a drag queen.)
 
Their hair: blond and big.
 
Their shirt: a blouse.
 
That blouse: silk.
 
That silk: patterned.
 
That pattern: animal.
 
Their pants: black and high.
 
Their number one accessory: an old husband who looks older than his overused wallet.
 
Their number two accessory: a Lexus, white in color, thank you very much.
 
Their number three accessory: a diamond ring the same size as Benny’s fist when he was a baby.
 
That ring: upgraded in 1994 when Murry sold the business.
 
Their abode: luxury condo in a gated community, surrounding a golf course with a club house.
 
The food at the club house: shitty (other than the choose your own chopped salad).
 
Their grandchildren: spoiled Cornell grads (the males with too much body hair, the females with too much boobs).
 
Their game: gossip disguised as mahjong.
 
Their sister: worthless, but “I’m simply not up for getting into it now, thank you.”

Guilt, ah what a beast she be. Merriam-Webster dictionary defiines her as follows:

1 : the fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty; broadly : guilty conduct
2 a : the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously b : feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy :self-reproach
3 : a feeling of culpability for offense

I prefer the following definition. Also known as a conversation between my mother and me today.

me: So, I don’t think I’m coming home for Thanksgiving…

mom: I didn’t think you were.

me: You sure you don’t care?

mom: We’re coming out there a month later!

me: Cause I feel bad…

mom: (O.S) What?

BEAT

mom: You thought she might come home?

me: What?

mom: Nothing, dad thought you might come home.

me: I think I have to work

mom: You do what ever you want to do! Whatever, we wont mind either way…

AND SCENE.

Guilt is something that I believe gets overlooked when it comes to Jews.  Catholics have been trying to lay claim, but I’d like to argue that the guilt that Jews experience is actually worse.  The guilt we encounter is almost always intertwined with a “Whatever you want is best” or a “I trust you will make the right decision” or “Don’t worry about, me I’m fine.”  In other words, the guilter is allowing the guiltee to make his or her own decision!  SO much worse.  It’s one thing if the guilter were simply explaining how sad they were that you were not doing whatever they were requesting, but then to leave it up to you!  I’m in pain just thinking about it.

This double whammy of sorts comes about because Jews always do want what’s best for you, it’s just that we already know what’s best for you and we trust that you will most certainly come to the same conclusion once you see the obvious light. But do whatever you want, really.